Torn

For 6 years CJ and I have been members of our church. Even when we moved to Birmingham, AL we never moved our membership from Mt. Pleasant because we hoped God would bring us back- and He did! We were so ecstatic and could not wait to become a part of our church family once again. We did and it was awesome! We were even more excited when satellite campuses began and one was practically going to be in our back yard- yahoo! We believed in everything our church was doing. We loved their mission to do whatever it took to reach the lost and they do have the most phenomenal worship programs- hands down. We thought we would be a part of this fellowship for a long time. Little did we know things would slightly begin to unravel.

I have a Bible degree. I am not bragging- not by any means. Instead, I am humbled by how much I do not know. But as good as it sounds, at times it can become a stumbling block. You know the saying ignorance is bliss- it's true. But ignorant is NOT how God calls His people to live for Him. On the contrary, we are called to worship in spirit and truth. Sadly, our church generation usually lacks one or the other. Not my beloved church. Yes, sadly, even mine. I fear they are moving farther and farther away from the truth of the cross. In order to keep in step with doing whatever it takes to seek the lost, they have watered down the gospel. Biblical theology is traded for what will keep the masses entertained. I am heart-broken. My stand is this: I believe the church building is for the believers and the church body is for the lost. Why else did Jesus say, "GO and make disciples..." (all caps mine)? He did not say, "Stay here and have them come to you so you can make them disciples. Believers as the body are to go out and share the good news- God loves you and sent His son to die for you- yeah, you. We aren't called to judge or convict the unbelieving generation. However, we are to hold believers to a completely different standard, but that is another blog entry.

Although I have had some major theology issues with my beloved fellowship in the past as well as some serious accountability and leadership issues, I have set them aside- until this past Sunday. I am not nearly as outspoken about these issues as I once was. Much of that has to do with the fact I have a believing husband and look to him to make outward statements. I did, in fact, go to him after the sermon (and a little during the sermon) pointing out what was WAY OFF. It grieved my spirit to know a major teaching pastor of ours taught Jesus "took off" his God-suit during the 40 days of temptation (the correction would be he was temped after 40 days and HE CAN'T TAKE OFF HIS DEITY ) and making the statement that he needed to be tempted so he could relate fully to us. Negative. God DOES NOT NEED US!!!! He wants us even after we are born so vile. One of the most beautiful love stories in scripture is the book of Hosea. It speaks of how God desires a relationship with us after we have betrayed Him so willingly and often. The core of the matter is, the sermon demoted Jesus's god-hood and thus downplays the cross. I am not saying this is what the pastor intended to convey. He may or may not. My sadness comes from the fact he would not take the time to expound.

Sadly, this is not the first time we have had theological differences with our beloved fellowship. We have stayed because of my husband's devotion to the youth group. He understands abandonment more than I wish he did and felt the need to stay after the youth pastor had a forced resignation. When the youth pastor left, he really left and didn't turn back. Many kids felt "left" because although he stayed within the "organization" they were no longer on his radar and several of them were heartbroken. CJ's heart hurt for them as well and wanted to make sure they knew they were loved and wanted. We still go back and visit even though we haven't lived there in six months. But, it has become evident God is calling us elsewhere.

I still believe in the work this church is doing outside of its walls; but I have been disillusioned with what was going on inside. I am not angry and admit I have not contacted this pastor for any clarification. I don't feel comfortable doing that because of the way the leadership is organized. Besides that, I don't come across very diplomatic in email. I try to type lovingly, but the reader ALWAYS misinterprets my intent. Besides that, I think my meanderings would be like a drop in the bucket.

So, now I am torn. We know we must venture out, but we don't know where. I grew up southern baptist and have no desire to go back and CJ didn't grow up at all in church. And did I mention the worship time? Hmmmmmm, so sweet. Guess I'll be breaking out my CD's.

Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!

I am disgusted!!! I am SO sick of the hypocrisy of people it makes me want to vomit! Anyone who knows me knows I am not out to win any popularity contests. My few solid close friends- the ones who I can count on no matter what is going on on their lives or mine- are far more important to me than having a slew of cronies. Depth has always been far more important to me than width. I am aware of the scripture of how Jesus found favor with God and man as he grew and also if at all possible live in peace with one another; but I tell ya, to live at peace with most people in this world is to be totally against God. It is getting harder and harder to do both. Rarely will anyone have to guess if I am for you or against you; I'm pretty transparent. And I hate it when believing people seek to be friends with the world. Hello?!?!? Be in it, not of it, remember? GAG!! Yet, over and over again people choose the popular and/ or easier road instead of the right road. And then have the nerve to shove it in your face! They parade it around like it's okay. Tacky, tacky, tacky! Blatant disregard of honesty, righteousness, and faithfulness gets my blood boiling and is enough for me to be done! So, now I am!

For Everything There is a Season

I enjoy reading Ecclesiastes. The more I read it, the more I become aware God wrote that for ME! Being a creature of habit, I like my continuity. I'm not so good with change and I like to know what I can depend on to be the same. I am routined. Boy, God has really shaken me up these past 4 years!
Over the last 4 years I have seen more change in my life than I have in my entire life span! We have made more friends; we have lost more friends (from death, from selfishness, from distance); we have had 3 children and getting ready to have #4; I have been of ill health; we have had more money and not-so-much money; we have moved 4 times (not all once a year); and we have gone through some of the best and worst times of our marriage. My faith on all levels has been tested, and quite honestly, there have been times I have failed the tests. But praise God, He doesn't fail me! Amen! I have been stretched and beat up more times than I ever thought possible- often times by those I loved the most. We have dwelled in the valley and longed for the mountain tops. But, through it all, it too has passed. This has been our season of change. I cannot say I have loved it- on the contrary; I have beat my chest, laid prostrate before my Lord, questioned His leading; wondered if He really does love me. All of this not because I thought I was above the trials life offered, but because I thought I had paid my dues already. My eyes have stared into the eyes of hell and I have seen Satan work his evil first hand. Coming out of that, I was for sure my God found me exempt of any other ill-workings of this fallen world. WRONG! I love that He gives us no more than we can handle. The question is, how long will we try to handle without Him?
When I was growing up, our pastor would end the message by saying. "God is good." and then the congregation would reply, "All the time." He would say, "All the time," and we would retort, "God is good." I think that gave some people the wrong impression. We were never meant to have easy lives. Jesus, God with skin on, didn't have an easy life. Why would we be above that? What we forget is our whole life is a season.
We were made to live forever, but our bodies gave out on us the day Adam took the fruit in disobedience. I love this next part... We are but passing through! If we could grasp that concept the way we live our lives would totally change! No more would we even be concerned how much our jeans cost. We wouldn't plague our hearts by allowing filth through what we watch or read because we are only here for a season! We don't have time for all of that!
I can not begin to explain the flack I get for being college educated and choosing to stay home with our children. And now that we are struggling to pay our bills (or it's more like we decide who is going to get paid this month and who will have to wait), the criticism and under-the-breath comments flow freely. But I know why. We are raising Jesus-lovers and warriors for the Word. It is no accident we have 3 boys! In such a time as this, we need men who have learned to love Jesus! Sadly, they don't do it naturally. Scripture is so clear that we are BORN evil- we don't have to learn it. That means in July, when I am nursing my sweet baby ?, I will not have to teach that child how to be bad. I won't have to give lessons on how to cheat, steal, lie, throw a temper tantrum, or be deceitful. No, no,no, that will already be the default mode. Knowing scripture is right when it says,

"Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him" Proverbs 22:15 (and no, we don't beat our children with rods, we have a Mr. Spank).

I know it will take EVERYTHING I have to combat that. I must teach that while we are walking up the road. It must be seen as I interact with the cashier who is slow as molasses; my boys need to value life as we choose which bugs to kill and which ones we let out the door. I can't pursue those opportunities after working a 40 hour a week job. I personally can't do it working any job, but that goes back to the beginning of this blog when I said I'm not good for change. There are some women who can. Kudos for them! But I am pursuing my Master's because I know my children are teachable from me for only a season.
The day will come when they no longer will take my word for it. They will question and pull away from me; but it's our job to make sure they have been ingrained with the truth. It's our hope we can provide an obsequious passage to those they can run to who reinforce what we have taught them.
So, in this seemingly unending season of change for us, I hope I am brave enough to pick up the lessons He has laid out for me. I pray I do not get so side-tracked from things that are so unimportant I miss out on what truly is important.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven... What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him." Ecclesiastes 3:1, 9-14

Hmmmm...

So many thoughts rage through my mind I feel as though I have been granted a new lease on life. I haven't had a near death experience (well, maybe), but these last few days we have been on a cruise. It was 4 days of total girl-time and rest. We did NOTHING but eat, sleep, and walk around a little. If you want more fun stuff, you'll have to go to the family blog (and you'll probably get sick of hearing about it); on this blog I will post what God taught me. It's amazing how cloudy things get when you're functioning on exhaustion. I had no idea how stressed out I truly was. I'll start with finishing where I left off with the whole being content vs. striving for perfection. You may not like where I go with this- feel free to offer you own insight as well.

Who are we to say what is perfection? God says to "..Be holy, for I am holy." We translate that to mean we are to be perfect- but that is not what it means. As a matter of fact, "holy" is actually translated more closely with being righteous- right before God- than perfect. One would argue that being right before God would mean perfection. Perhaps. That is not where I want to spend my time. My struggle I question is at what point do I become content?

My sweet friend sent me an article I found most helpful on the topic. Summarizing, the author pretty much said perfection is in the eye of the beholder- and so is being content. It can sound like circular reasoning if you stop on the surface. Without boring you with the philosophy of all of that, I will explain the way God summed it up to me over this last week.

I love my children and feel I have a healthy relationship with them; but I want it to be better. I don't want it to grow stagnant or become boring. I am always looking and reading articles on how I can spice things up with my crazy crew. I enjoy reading stuff that helps me relate to them- how can they understand me and how can I better to understand them?

I love my Savior and am amazed He chose me to tell His secrets to! Who am I that I should deserve such a blessing? I am always on the look out for how I am supposed to serving Him RIGHT NOW. There are some ways I like and some I don't, but I do them all to the best of my ability anyway.

I love my husband and wish he would fight for me the way he once did. Instead, he numbs his pain and frustration with sleep or his make believe online world where he can be whatever to whomever. I strive for perfection in my marriage and feel I have missed the mark (a.k.a. sinned) in so many ways I may end up losing one of the few things I prayed God would give me. Alas, it always takes two where a relationship is involved and I can no longer function alone. Here in lies the frustration.

No matter where we set the bar for ourselves, some one is always setting it higher. In all 3 of the above mentioned relationships, there is no such thing as being content. I believe I am to strive for perfection daily. The relationships are organic and constantly growing, therefore, constantly changing. I must change with them. That is why parenting seminars are so popular. Christian books are selling at an all-time high because people can't get enough of being "spiritual" (which, by the way, I don't believe is the same as being righteous). Relationship- help books are in constant demand because we all know you aren't married to the same person you originally married- nor is he married to the same woman. However, on the flip side of striving for perfection in areas of heart relationships, we must learn (oh yes, I said learn) to be content with where God has placed us in life.

We would have not related to any other than Paul when he encouraged to be content in all situations. For so long, I took that to mean we should settle for what we have in life. In a sense we are to do that. I will respectfully disagree with some of my dear brothers and sisters who believe in the ever-present "Prosperity Theology" being taught today. Seeing what I have seen and experiencing what I have experienced, I just don't believe you can look into the eyes of a 2 year old dying of AIDS (in this country or anywhere else) and tell her she must have enough faith for God to heal her if she wants to live. I don't believe we are all called to have worldly wealth. Have you ever tried to preach the gospel to a homeless man while driving in a Cadillac? Sometimes we have to go through it, be in it, and live it, to tell about it- and the way out of it. That's why it had to be Paul. Could you imagine if the Beloved John had tried to explain to us how it felt to be considered the "least?" We would say, "Yeah, right, Dude. You were at Jesus' side the whole time. He even gave you his mom at the cross." All of that to say, we must remember WHY we are even here and God didn't jerk us up at the instant of our salvation. We are to know Him and make Him known. We all relate to people on the level at which we are. You may not be able to empathize with a lonely, desperate mom of young children. But I can. I may not ever be able to speak to rulers or kings, but I know what it feels like to have an important utility cut off while you're at home with 3 babies. Someone needs to know there is light and it's not always at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes, you get to the light and it gets worse. But the light is your hope.

So contentment is not man-made, but God-made. In that contentment we sometimes find who we really are and what we are really supposed to be doing. In the busy-ness of trying to be perfect, we lose sight of what is happening around us. We hurt our friends. We emotionally leave our spouses with no apologies. We set the level of perfection only to be fooled by another who is actually setting it for us. In the end, it's the people who need us the most who end up the hurting the most because we want more materially and settle for less emotionally.

Passing By

I'm still researching this conundrum of being content and striving for excellence at the same time. I will say, based on what I have found so far, I have been surprised at how ungodly we have become as a society. I should be finished with my research before I leave to go out of town this coming week. I fully intend to meditate in a great way on the high seas!

This past week I have been thinking a lot about the difference between being content in all situations and settling for mediocrity. Where is the line drawn? I'm sure as I study, I will find the line is different for each individual. It seems as though I am surrounded by people who completely settle for mediocrity in every area of their life: friendships, education, home (not so much the kind of home but the way it's taken care of), even their relationship with Jesus. For my personal self, where do I learn to be content and where do I strive for excellence and be above mediocre. I'll come back to this at a later post after I's searched the Word a little more.

Flakey- Just Not Frosted

What a total flake I feel like I have been lately. There have been few commitments I have been able to keep and at times I feel like I am letting everyone down. There are days and times I think I just need to lock myself up in the house an not tell anyone I will do anything because I don't know from one day to the next what will be going on. Since I am the primary care-giver of the boys, if childcare does not work out I am the one who has to turn her back on whatever it was I was supposed to be doing. Or, if we have said we were going to be somewhere, and CJ "over rules" what we have pre-planned, guess who has to re-nig on her commitment.

I am sore about trying to get things going and then having to uproot. Leaving the 'ville is not the first time either. Just as we were beginning to warm up in Birmingham, we left there too. Granted, I wasn't as heart-broken, but nonetheless, it was a bit frustrating. It really makes me not want to try to go out and do things. Although, I feel like this time, CJ is forced to stay here in Columbia due to the hell we have been through in getting here. As I strive to be like the Proverbs 31 woman, I am surprised at how when I read about her, certain aspects of her life that stand out in different seasons of my life more than some of the others. Here is what is standing out these days:

1- All that she did was over her lifetime. I get so caught up with all that this woman did I forget it was not all at once. I was raised around women who made everyone think they could do it all. You know, "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up, serve it, and clean up after it's been eaten." The reality is something always suffers. We can do anything, but we can't do everything. Why do we feel, as women, we should be able to or have to do everything. For me, it's the fear of being labeled "lazy" or missing out on something. Sadly, my fear of missing out makes me miss out on what is truly important. It's about quality for me,not quantity. If I had 100 bad years to live versus 30 great, I wold choose the 30 great. Yet, we so often try to live the 100 bad. And instead of being lazy, I just get burned out. I have tried to learn over the last couple of years how important it is not not try to do everything. Of course, my physical health has not been the best. Three pregnancies in 3 years 2 of which were c-sections certainly helped solidify my limitations. Those days when I felt like I would die because my body was so tired, yeah, those are the days when you learn your limitations.

2- I love this woman laughs at days to come being clothed in strength and dignity. I don't see this woman as sarcastic or pompous. She just realizes what she can do has been done and everything is left up to God. In this age where we women take on so much responsibility, what a relief it would be to laugh at the days to come. We really don't allow our men to be the men God created them to be. We are afraid for them to fail. We are too controlling to allow them to be in control. And alas, they have been beaten down so much, they hand over the reigns willingly to our Jezebel spirits. Thus, we no longer laugh at those days to come but fear them. That isn't the way God created us to be! Don't get me wrong, I don't believe we are to go around and be totally oblivious to all the happenings around us or about the affairs of our home. However, we concern ourselves too much and carry too much of the load. Way more than God intended for us o carry. Does He not want us to carry it because we are too weak or unable? No way! On the contrary, we have a hidden strength. It's quiet and unweilding. He wants u free from that stress to bless us. He wants our hearts to be free to love Him. The way the proverb is structured and following the example of all the other proverbs, she laughs at the days to come because she is clothed with strength and dignity. Hmmm, that is sweet. I hope my strength and dignity can help me laugh at the days to come. I have a feeling I will need a great sense of humor.