Friday, February 27, 2009

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I have had them all. Over the past year, since we have been back in Lexington, I have learned so much about myself and other people. Most of what I have learned about other people I already knew and was in denial about. Most of what I learned about myself, was empowering and at times, a little scary. I'll share.

Other People:
There are few I like. Let me explain, and don't worry, I think I'm a weirdo too.
Have you seen the movie, "The Green Mile?" Remember the main character who "felt" things to the point of causing him severe heart ache. People like him are called empaths. They relate to the world with an uncanny and unexplainable gift of discernment. It's almost as if they can see into the hearts and minds of other people. Women typically have heightened senses of discernment themselves; well, mine is pretty high. It's not nearly "The Green Mile"high, but it has reached some states of total weirdness. There have been times when I have seen the actual crimes and sins people have committed by shaking hands with them. No, I am not a pyschic and I usually do not share what I see or sense with others unless there is danger. People are so prideful anyway, they don't listen to you or believe you. I have often wondered why God gave this to me. Who wants to see how wicked people really are? And, let me tell ya, we are wicked. Our thoughts and minds go staright to what benefit us first no matter how we dress it up to make it look like we are trying to help others. I have met few people who are genuinely innocent and sweet. I have met some who started out on the path of sweetness and got led astray. And then, every once in a while, I meet those who are dispicable by nature. And I'm not talking about our sin nature we all inherited from Adam. There are times when I don't get a feeling either way, but the air is so thick with spiritual warfare, even being a child of the king, I want to leave the place immediately. There have been 2 times that has happened: Once was in a particular Kmart here in town where I would not even walk into the store and the other time was when I was visiting my aunt and uncle in their home a few years ago. There are times I don't even understand it. Rarely has it been revealed to me the what or why. I just know. So, I explain that because that type of gift freaks people out! And I have noticed, people don't like to hear the truth. They don't like to be called on the fact that they are liars and thieves. They don't like to be told they are headed down roads that will lead them and others they love to death- sometimes physical, but almost always spiritual and emotional. People get extremely defensive when you tell them thet are wrong and hide out when it's proven so. But what they don't get is WHY I tell them these things. Believe me, I don't get my jollies from it. I tell them the same way you tell someone a bridge is out. I tell them because my mind IMMEDIATLY goes to the end of the road- and it ain't pretty. Again, I wonder why God gave me this. No one listens or believes me. And I know I am so misunderstood. There have been some comparisons with me and an Ice Queen because I can be short with my words and I get to the point. It also looks as though I am seeking to hurt people with my words, but it's the message that stings, not the messanger. On the contrary, I do care what people feel. It's that what I am telling them is not going to hury NEARLY as badly as the consequences of their actions will if they do not change. It's like watching your baby get immunized. Do you want him to experience the shot of the live virus, or watch him die from the virus if not immunized.
So, there are only a few people I like because it hurts too much to love everyone. I cannot, for my own sanity, invest in people who have no interest in me. I fall too hard and end up with a heart so broken it makes me unable to minister to those who are vested in or are relying on me.
So being back "home", I have been reminded of how fake people really are. I have also been reminded that water is actaully a little thicker than blood most of the time. With the exception of my awesome parents, we have had no family be consistently interested in us or our well being. There have been lots of promises made and very few kept. I have also learned how weak people really are. The louder they tend to be about proclaiming their undying love and affection for you is usually as quick as they tend to shrink back when it takes more than a check to meet the needs. I don't doubt the sincerity they have when the proclamations are made; but a person's commitment is not measured by the means he possesses, but in how far he is willing to go to fulfill the promise. The promises have abounded, the commitment has lacked.

I knew I was strong, but WHEW-WEE!! My strength has been tested in ways that I have had to exhibit more quiet strength than I ever thought I possessed. My forgiveness has, at times I thought, reached its max containment levels. I have actually said, "Lord! How many times must I forgive ______?" Each time I have heard Him gently whisper: "How many times have I forgiven you, Sugar?" I have also learned some valuable lessons in forgiveness. I have learned what it is and what it is not. I have seen myslef morph into an entirely different being than I thought I ever would become and I can say, I don't always like it. I expereiced the difference bewtween laziness and just pure-body-can- not-move-if-I-were-being-chased-by-a-mad-man-I-would-die exhaustion. I have mellowed and allowed ceratin aspects of my nature to take over other aspects. There was a time when being completely out of control would have made me a nervous wreck; but now, there is a certain comfort in being able to say, "I don't know." and really mean it. I don't know from day to day sometimes how we were going to et from point A to point B or if we would make it back home before running out of gas. And as broke as we have been, finances have been the least of my worries. I am proud of being able to somewhat successfully balance giving the loved ones under my roof my undivided attention throughout the day. I have also learned what really is not important at the end of the day and what is, and they are not always the same from week to week.

I'm curious to see what God does with all of this knowledge he is giving me. I may not be too excited when I'm in the midst of it.